Something to Lift My Heart

I've wanted to add more to my blog about adrenal fatigue that would be helpful for others who might recognize this is a situation for them as well. Also I had hopes it would relieve some of my own stress to express some of the things I'm experiencing. Ironically, the self imposed deadline to accomplish this caused anxiety, headaches, loss of energy, and the feeling to push it away instead. Wow, a vicious cycle.

I took a break and tried to do some unpressured writing; something to just let "creative juices flow," as they say. My husband had just asked me to listen to a country music song he liked. It inspired me to write some lyrics for three of our children. We have seven children, two already had songs, ballads; my husband wrote the lyrics and music for one, my mother the lyrics for the other.  After hearing the country song, I really liked the story it told, and, I decided to attempt to do that in some lyrics for my children. I just thought I'd share what I came up with.

The first is for my second eldest daughter, married to a good man, and has a daughter, just like her. since my daughter was named Aubrey, and it WAS because I fell in love with Aubrey Was Her Name years ago when I was a teen, it only seemed right the lyrics should go with THAT tune.  Here it is:

Aubrey Is Her Name

1- And Aubrey is her name,

From birth our lives have never been the same.

So blessed she came.

Auburn hair and porcelain skin,

The bluest eyes that you have ever seen.

Life was never ordinary for this girl of mine,

Like a stick of dynamite with lips of cherry wine.

2- And Aubrey is her name,

Sped through and thought she had to try everything

And still be free

Oh she has a heart of gold,

Always stops to help the young or old

Confidence to move ahead, because she always knew

Life was hers to live, and do exactly as she’d choose.

How I miss that girl.

And I wish she’d stayed around to spend a few more years

Chasing more dreams and be near.

3- And Aubrey is her name

Now there’s a daughter who will carry on the same

I love her name.

Keylie Anne, looks just like mom

She’s also started living on the run

I can watch her grow so like its all been done before,

So I’ll keep my memories and look ahead to more.

How proud I am of my girl

And I hope she always knows how much she means to me

And what a great mother is she!   

              -Lyrics by Sonja Schaefermeyer

The next two sets of lyrics are for what were my two youngest children, up until yesterday. My husband and I adopted our two grandsons this past week. That is another story I'll tell later; soon, I hope.

Anyway, I wrote these to be set in a country music format. I don't have that kind of musical talent or the ability to track someone down for it, presently. I'd love some suggestions1 I can almost hear these being sung NOW. 

If Those Brown Eyes Could Speak

Can I wear eye shadow? My new teen asks,
Her question catches me off guard.
The playoffs are on, my team’s playin’ tonight,
Down by two, but still in charge.
Have to win this one now,
Got a bet with the guys.
I glance up for a sec,
There’s those big brown eyes.

Chorus-
It happens every time,
How does she do it?
This precious girl of mine,
In her own special way,
Doesn’t need to say a word,
If I look into those ..BIG… BROWN…EYES
Her heart tells me what wasn’t heard

It was six long years
Since our last child was born
More couldn’t come through us.
But the phone rang one morn,
I could have guessed what was said
While my wife screamed, smiled, and danced all around
“There’s a baby waiting for us to go get her”
Like a whirlwind we headed out of town.

I got to wondering as I drove,
And I spoke what I thought,
(Heck, I should know better)
“Babe, what if this little tot
Is meant for someone else?
How will we know if she’s the one?”
She smiled back, and squeezed my arm.
“I’m sure somehow we’ll feel it, Hun.”

Chorus-
It happens every time,
How does she do it?
This precious girl of mine,
In her own special way,
Doesn’t need to say a word,
When I look into those ..BIG… BROWN…EYES
Her heart tells me what wasn’t heard

That wait in the office seemed endless
Finally someone brought her in.
We both reached to pull down the blanket
Her brown eyes caught mine…….no question.
She shakes me gently now,
“Dad, are you listening to me?”
I wrap my arms around her,
“Uh-huh….I understand more than you think.

                             -Lyrics by Sonja Schaefermeyer

 **God Knew You Were the Son for Me**

I saw him lying there, so tiny and still.
Born three months too soon, they said he wouldn’t live.
His head fit in the palm of my hand,
The tubes and bassinet provided what I couldn’t give.

I stood there helpless, hoping against hope,
And must have said a dozen prayers.
Please God, save this little boy.
Guide the doctors and nurses in his care.

I want to raise him as my own, Lord.
Let him live so I can be his dad,
My sweetheart says she’d be so thrilled
She told me of this dream she had

I couldn’t imagine it at the time,
The baby boy she described.
She knew he’d come with some challenges.
My disappointment was then hard to hide.

Chorus-
My life seemed plenty full already,
A mortgage, four kids, two cats, and a dog.
I figured my world was complete,
Well, I am lacking my Harley Davidson Hog.
Your momma told me you were comin’.
But still, it was bit of a surprise,
How this boy born from another woman,
Was intended to be my own.
Just one look and my heart knew what should be.
I can’t imagine my life without you,
God knew you were the son for me.

How proud I was to see your huge grin
The day you took your first steps and walked
Mom and I quietly held our concern
It was almost three years before you talked

Years later, now you’re almost eleven
You talk of dreams you have and things you’ll do someday
I listen to you and I’m so amazed
Such a smart young lad, beat the odds anyway

Dad, come play football,
I hear my boy calling out.
I lay the checkbook down, the bills can wait.
Thank you, Lord, this day is what it’s about.

Chorus-
I thought my life seemed plenty full already,
A mortgage, four kids, two cats, and a dog.
My world has changed and feels more complete,
Well, I am still lacking my Harley Davidson Hog.
Your momma told me you were comin’.
But it’s no longer a surprise,
How this boy born from another woman,
Was destined to be my own.
Just one look and my heart knew what should be.
I can’t imagine my life without you,
God knew you were the son for me…
Oh, yes, son, I’m so glad…you were sent to me.

                                  -Lyrics by Sonja Schaefermeyer

          

Time to Make a Decision

I once considered myself invincible. Somewhere inside, I really thought I was superwoman; or, at least behaved as if I thought I was; adding responsibilities and tasks to my already heaping plate. Sure I'd get stressed, but I treated that as if it were some kind of status symbol.

One time, several years, ago, when I was feeling considerably unequal to the mound I'd allowed. I sought a trainer I'd been taking some courses on internal body balancing from. I hoped, with her assistance, I could get the correct perspective for my life's direction. At one point at the beginning, she came toward me with a pillow and said, "this pillow represents your child, do you feel like you should hold it?" Naturally, I was determined to do so. "Sure!" I said, as I arrogantly jutted my arm out there. "This one represents your spouse, do you feel you should hold it also? And, your parents? Your neighbors?" One by one, I reached for and clutched another pillow, using my other arm as well. I remember thinking, "You bet, I can take care of them, too. I'll do it if it kills me. After all, I'm going to change the world!" Obviously, soon thereafter, the pillows were out of my control and toppled to the floor, with me tumbling, too. For an instant I felt as if I'd failed. The instructor walked me through some steps to put my body back in balance, then, once again, she picked up a couple of pllows and asked me, "These represent your neighbors, family, the world...would you like to hold some pillows?" Without a doubt, for the first time I had a realization, I am responsible for changing ME, not everyone else. Also, I'm not obligated to fill every duty or task, deligation is a good thing. I looked directly at her and, confidently, said, "No. I'm not going to take those pillows." Her grin is still etched in my mind, as my trainer said, "Good! You poor thing, carrying all those people on your shoulders for so long. No wonder you've been overwhelmed."

Adrenal Fatigue. The message it carries told me I didn't hold closely to my lesson in the balance that day.
 
 February of 2011, I had to make a decision, hold on to life or let go. For the first time ever, I realized, Sonja was NOT superwoman, nor in any way, invincible. I literally could feel that the edge between life and death was before me, nearly close enough to reach out and touch with my fingertips. Wrestling quite a bit between the realization of the selfishness to leave life on earth, and the justification and relief I thought I deserved, a priesthood blessing bloosted my broken and contrite spirit to recognize the author of both those feelings. I chose to pursue life and pour myself into two things: The study of forgiveness, and, nutrition.

Adrenal Fatigue

A couple of years ago I invited a dear friend, who was feeling blue, to come over with her children and do lunch and visit, for a while. I was completely surprised when she turned me down. I coerced and gave multiple reasons of how it would benefit her to come over, still, "No, Thank you." was her adament reply. I was quite perplexed for a few months about that. I thought she was carrying her "blue mood" to a bit of an unnecessary extreme.

January of 2011 brought so much more than a new year, for me. For one thing, though I didn't realize it, I had a new perspectve waiting, ready to hit me squarely between the eyes, blessing me with a paradigm shift regarding my dear friend's desire to protect her space that day, a few months previous. One night, after a particulary tragic event, I found myself in a heap on the floor. Literally all my strength and energy seemed completely sapped, as I lay there sobbing. Though late at night, there was no desire to move to a comfortable bed, no one I wanted to talk to, no one I could think of to offer comfort, no desire to continue living one more hour."I remember asking aloud, to no one in particular, "Is this what hitting rock bottom is? Am I there, yet?" 

A very concerned and scared husband called my dear friend and asked for her help the next day, as I hadn't moved an inch from the spot on the bed where he'd eventually lifted me. She recognized the described behavior and made an appointment for the three of us to visit, Sher, a very nutritionally educated lady, in the area, who teaches weekly classes on a myriad of health issues.  As it turns out, Sher and I were old acquaintences and had worked together before. It was a good thing I had two others along, as they were able to speak for me since my speech and memories were slow and foggy.

Adrenal Fatigue is the name of my new condition; and, as my dear friend discovered, hers as well. It's basically what happens when a body has taken in more stressful events than it has released, over and over again, until it finally folds. Symptoms are many, but the most obvious are strength is minimum to none, short term recall is little, words are dropped from sentences and even difficult to select when speaking.Depression sneaks in from time to time, even stealing the desire to live. Mornings and early afternoons are absolute rest periods. I remember being at the grocery store, at the beginning of this new discovery, and the hour had moved toward 2 o'clock. I noticed I was slowing down a great deal, and my body felt heavy. I couldn't focus on the rest of my list in front of me. I realized, the blaring thing in my mind was rest, NOW. Suddenly I felt panic that I wouldn't remember my way home, or even be able to drive and stay awake. I had to stop shopping immediately, pay for my things, search frantically for a now difficult to find vehicle, and stop myself several times from hyperventilating as I drove home.That's how consuming adrenal fatigue can be.

Is it recoverable, I wondered? Yes, but it's critical to rest when the body demands it,and take the proper nutrients. Also, STRESS must be steered away from, eliminated as much as possible, avoid events that may cause anxiousness or anxiety. Find reasons to laugh and enjoy life. It could be six months before I have my strength back, Sher told me.

As I trudged through the next months making an attempt to reach through the heavy mist and find "me" again, I had new eyes for my dear friend, and huge gratitude to have someone who could understand and even defend my very real need to be left alone to rest, often, now.